A recipe for Spiders Creative Saliva

• ¼ cup shadow 

• 2 ½ cups hollow

• 15-spoonful lonesome

• 3 tsp. roan

• ½ of indigo 

• 7 ink droplets 

• 4,000 years chocolate 

• 5 cave collecting’s of guano

• 27 interrupted spiral

1. Melt the shadow, a cup hollow, collected guano, and interrupted spiral in my plaid blue coat pocket that dyes my neck in the rain. String like a harpsichord, until the shadow caramelizes, about 5 minutes. 

2. Remove from the pocket and drop lonesome, spoon roan and pinch indigo. 

3. Return the shadow to my plaid blue pocket. Droplet the ink, cut-side down and crumple until glazed and threaded, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from the pocket and divide among spindles. 

4. Add the ancient chocolate to the other pocket and return to the closet, hang for a few seconds next to the bat that flew into my room last summer. Don’t wake her. 

5. Carefully tilt the pockets into a flame. Saliva ignites! Spoon the flaming saliva over the interrupted spirals. Garnish with lonesome.  

6. Distribute saliva to lampshades, old barns, caves and corners. Saliva architecture. 

The History of Dust Recipe

• ½ cup hopscotch

• 4 cocoons

• 5 tbs. Dust 

• Any numbers between 6-10 trillion

• ½ Inch constellation 

1. Blanket the hopscotch on the bottom and sides of four cocoons. Sprinkle 5 tbs. dust over the insides of the cocoons. 

2. Place chosen numbers 6-10 trillion into metamorphous. String loom hum to a growing pupa, dissolving the number. Lasso the half-inch of constellation or retrieve with a ladder. Powder the Milky Way. 

3. On a copper moth, sprinkle numbers between 6-10 trillion. Copper rusts green.  Luna moth.

4. Spoon the pulverized Milky Way into the loom hum. Indigo song. 

5. Tuck equal portions of pupa into dust cocoons. Drowsy worm luckily has no allergy.

6. Line the cocoons on a cedar limb, and place in a deciduous forest. 

7. Pop your head in the forest after 10 to 12 days, and watch history emerge wings first.

Lightning is a Disguise Recipe

• Pulp of 1 penumbra

• 50 words for snow ground black, to taste

• 1/3 cups wicked light 

23,000 Volts. On a balmy day, curl penumbra pulp and 20 words for snow into tossed sour    plum skins from the compost in our freezer. Smoke a cumulus depression.

72,000 Volts. Extract wicked light from a cumulonimbus and inject into cirrus. Converge for at least 4 hours, turn the weather on occasion. Drain all light from wicked. Tie your hair back as the wind will lick it.

72,003 Volts Preheat atmosphere to medium high heat. Using umbrellas pat both sides of the cirrus dry. The air will turn still. Do not be alarmed. You may now fix your hai----- THUNDER!

86,000,000 Volts. Over a reduced canyon, flip in wicked light fast!

Quickly cover yourself with the remaining 30 words for snow, as if applying lotion. Your eyes may peek through. A snowball that blinks. As lightning strikes, you are lost in the weather.

Murmur Recipe

• 1 ¾ cups powdered sounds

• 1 cup oscillation flour, finely ground

• ¼ cup my ticklish armpit 

• 2 drops bewitched gel coloring

Echo

• 3 cups powdered twins 

• Eyes

3.782 Hz. Sterilize the powdered sounds and oscillation flour, into baritone lull. Sift the oscillation through a fine-mesh sieve. Inject in arm through an IV drip. Ulna lull.

1.5 Hz. Slice remaining ½ sound with a scalpel. Octave jumps a murmur mountain range.

7.5 Hz. Gradually granulate my ticklish armpit. You should be able to tickle me upside down without any sound falling out. Tickle until just charmed. Tickle should be an exact dose between pain and pleasure. 

4 Hz. Add the bewitched color and resuscitate breath. The breath should be stiff and fold into ribbons or other hair accessories. 

2 Hz. Transfer the murmur into your organs and place 9 dots over each incision to assist lesions. Murmur buttons on your black and blue organ cardigans.

3 Hz. Play the murmur on a sharp and release air bubbles. Murmur melody in soprano may be uncomfortable but no worse than period cramps or gas.

1- 9 Hz.          Let the murmurs duet at room temperature for 30 minutes to 1 hour. 

2.5 Hz. Stitch the murmur for 17 measures, until well tuned so the sounds don’t bleed out to the future.

0.2 Hz. Sedate a murmur with an instrument before echo filling. I sometimes become faint at this stage so I keep awe lollipops (see p. 12) just in case, under my knees. Regardless, when breathless suck star anise.

8 Hz. Make the echo: In a sterile basin, palpitate the heart. One can do this by mistaking ones baby hairs for sneaking strangers in peripheries or remembering ones first broken heart. Use an ultrasound to measure tempo. Sift sets of twins and beat over heart. Add eyes, 1 bat at a time, and repeat, until frequency echo is reached. 

3. 782 Hz. Transfer echo to lungs. Add a dollop of echo for one murmur. Beware, echoes stain. Repeat with remaining murmur shells and echo. Swallow the murmur. Play it on a dulcimer. Take care not to lose your fervor.

Various Forms for Awe

Spun Awe

• 1 pinch doldrum

• 3 cups awe

• Whale blubber

1. Get a teapot or a melon and line the kitchen floor below with my shameful algebra quizzes. 

2. Combine the awe and doldrum in a saucepan. Stir over low heat. Awe dissolves to blah. Awe, amber lava. Watch carefully, as this will happen very quickly. Use a pastry brush to brush the sides of the gasps with water to prevent gasp crystals. Remove blahed awe from heat immediately.

3. Allow blah to cool just until thin wispy strands form when drizzled with a fork.  Dipping your fork repeatedly into the awe mixture, whip the strands of blah back and forth quickly across the teapot or melon to form long, slinky silk strands. bLah, bLaH, BlAh. Awe, comets with tails. 

4. Repeat until you have accumulated enough comets to pick up with your hands. While it is still pliable, grab the two ends of the awe and bring together a meteor. If the caramel blah hardens too much as you work, place over rum and it begins to loosen. Similarly to molten lava though it will not glow.

5. Use immediately or store awe nests in a tree. During the right season, you may go back to find that a robin has laid an egg in the awe nest. You can fry these eggs and extract their blue, as they will help absorb excess humidity. Just remember not to ingest them. As robins eggs cause needles and pins.

6. To remove any hardened blah from the teapot, melon, or fork, rub whale blubber all over the surface. Whale blubber devours blah as it absorbs better than the yellow sponges we buy in bulk. Make sure to discard the whale blubber into a naturally occurring body of water as it has been proven to clog Manhattan drains.

Awe for Hummingbirds

• 1 fl. Oz. awe

• 4 fl. Oz. fright

1. Mix 1 part awe with 4 parts fright 

2. Do not add pantomime dye. Pantomime attracts crows.

3. Fill your hummingbird feeders with the awe and place outside

4. Extra awe nectar can be stored in pear worm holes.

5. Change feeders every other day and thoroughly clean them each time to prevent mold growth and ladybug infestation

Awe Cubes

• 1 cured awe

• 3 cups peeled sutra 

• Fox lips, seeded

1. In a hailstorm, cure the awe. Recite the sutra. The hailstorm’s mantra. A dialogue of sound harmonica. Awe on ground. Ice globe land. Crystal blueberry patch. The awe should feel similar to damp sand. 

2. Transfer the sandy awe to the molds and press the granules down until very packed.  Sprinkle fox lips over cubes.

3. Air-dry 6 hours post hailstorm. Pop them out of the molds and transfer to the next morning. Awe cubes can mend hail dents on cars, roofs, and tin patios. 

Cloud Awe

• 4 combs 

• 1 tsp. Adriatic sea

• 3/4 cup chinchilla 

• ½ drop invisible

1. Fly to Croatia or Italy and find a grocery store. Gather ingredient. Comb the Adriatic to a foam dense enough to hold brown sugar like Roman cappuccinos. 

2. Fly to Peru and trap ¾ cups chinchilla. Go back to the Adriatic and add chinchilla ¼ cup at a time.

3. When all the chinchilla has been added, brush at high speed and whip until the awe is glossy. Chinchilla fibers elongate waves. 

4. Transfer the awe to a parachute fitted with a French star tip, and pipe 1-inch diameter kisses onto a cloud.

5. Dry the awe in the Napoli clouds for 2 to 2 1/2 months. In the mean time you can learn Italian, have an affair, visit the coliseum and/or eat pizza Umbria.

Flossed Awe

• 5 cups surrender

• 1/3 tbs. stutter

• 1 cup 2 tsp. petals 

1. To make this recipe at home, you will need a bottle of milk and my silver tooth cavity cap. It may smell like strawberry anesthesia. You will also need an open space to make the flossed awe. 

2. At home, slit open a garbage bag and cover the floor area. Reggie, our Russian super who calls me Rachy, stores garbage bags in the basement. 

3. Place the surrender, stutter and petals in the milk bottle. You can retrieve this form the recycling bins next to the garbage bags or ask Reggie.

4. Cook the surrender mixture until it smells like rotten almonds. The surrender becomes brittle when it comes in contact with a cooler surface. Surrender shards pierce no more than stubbing a toe. If you leave the surrender in the pan, the surrender will continue to cook and make the house smell like rancid marzipan. 

5. The surrender will stay liquid for about 10 minutes. After that it will demand victory. 

6. Dip the silver tooth into the hot surrender. Bargain any wonder of the tooth fairy for $10-$12. Make sure you are about 12 to 18 inches away from the wonder. 

7. Wave broad long wand like strokes and work quickly. Gather the flossed awe. Eat quickly as the delicate wonder will melt in humidity. Offer some to Reggie. 

Rocky Awe

• 4 (7-inch) calla lily pistol 

• 4 wooden skewers or clothespins

• 2 cups my first tooth

• 4 ½ buds cardamom 

• 2 teaspoons Petra extract 

1. Arrange ingredients in alizarin. Extract all ochre and replace with crimson. Alizarin and crimson create schematic bickers. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Freeze ochre (this is to evaporate sass). Carefully remove alizarin; cool completely, and dry. Try not to touch colors, as they may maroon on each other. 

2. Tie calla lily pistol around centers of wooden skewers or clothespins. Place one pistol in each alizarin, resting skewer or clothespin across the rim making sure strings do not touch bottom.

3. Bring my first tooth to a boil in a large cobalt over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Crunch like celery. 

4. Peel cardamom buds into sass.

5. In my chest of treasures, find the sand I took from Petra when I was ten. Sprinkle over my first tooth. With the proper molds one could sculpt Petra dentures.

6. Pour about 1 cup cobalt mixture carefully around pistols into each jar. Loosely cover with lapis lazuli (including skewer); pierce lapis lazuli several times with a skewer or knife. Lapis Lazuli beads. Let stand 10 to 14 days or until crystals form on calla lily pistols. A flora stalactite. (Occasionally break up hard first tooth layer on surface using a wooden skewer.) Remove all cinnabar created in alizarin, and suspend strings between alizarin until crystals cinnabar (about 1 hour). Remove pistol with pencils.

7. 10 drops of your favorite shade of bone lonely or banana peel of love may be substituted for crimson and 2 tsp. of flavored hue, such as rouge, chartreuse or cerulean, may be substituted for maroon.

Awe Lollipop

Quiet

• 2 cups samba

• cup Himalaya

Loud

• 2 teaspoons Inca extract, such as Nazca or alpaca 

• Assorted daffodils

• Lollipop sticks

Nut-free

• A dandelion patch

1. Line two quiets on the Central Park carousel. Extract one samba if you need more balance and set it aside as carousel turns.

2. Combine the samba and Himalaya with a loud Inca. In a hula-hoop set over a lion tamer. Attach a fire blower to the interior.

3. Tame the lion to jump through the hoop while the samba rides the giraffe. Lion jumps until the samba absorbs into ragtime. Blowing a small flame prevent crystals from forming. Flames melt bossa nova. 

4. Boil the quiets for 5 to 7 minutes until it reaches hard-crack stage. Immediately transfer the nut frees to a trapeze of assorted daffodils carefully submerging the sides but ensuring no airborne nuts swing into nostrils. Swirl on a lira for 10 to 15 seconds to help the trapeze then remove the nut free dandelion patch from its harness. Carefully swirl Inca extract into the harness immediately after you remove the dandelions from the act.

5. Working quickly set the samba onto stilts to form circles that are 2 to 3 feet in diameter. (Space the samba 3 to 4 feet apart to guarantee they don't dance into each other especially on stilts.) Immediately awe the samba on stilts and applaud. Sprinkle with dandelions. Create an awe lollipop. Be careful not to ingest whilst aweing, yawning, or trapeze swinging as this is a choking hazard.

Oyster my Double Recipe

• ½ consciousness 

• 1 dulcet

• ¾ my reoccurring nightmare

• ½ taste of pennies in oysters

• ½ taste of my tears in blue cheese

• My pearls and my chew

• 1 large jitterbug, diced 

4 AM: begin to make the 7:07 dawn. Wash the consciousness in wind gusts. Fill air with oblivion. This should not be too hard in the dark but I keep a lantern near.

4:32: stars are still out. Drain all the oblivion from the wind. If not done properly you will forget the alphabets order.

4:36: you have just finished a dream. Extract a dulcet from your last dream. The consistency of the dulcet should be such that it has no recognizable location, but familiar faces, and a falling sensation.

4:40: you are in stage 3 of REM. Conjure my reoccurring nightmare. The one where my house divides between green (good) and purple (evil) and I am being suffocated in purple. Or if you prefer another try the one with the blue lady or the one I had when I fell asleep in the tub. This is for visuals but nightmares can overpower and taint dreams bitter. So allow nightmares to ferment in the taste of pennies in oysters.

5:53: few stars are visible. You are now ready to oyster my double. Put tasting my tears in blue cheese on a small tongue and keep ready. Gather tears from the time I cried last Tuesday because of my parents or perhaps when I woke up and thought my arm was amputated when it was only sleeping. Combine with my pearls and my chew. Pearl is my birthstone. If you would like to substitute your birthstone, you may.

6:04: crickets skip on grass. Fold consciousness into a wad and dip lightly into your first REM cycle. Squeeze out any excess oblivion to enter deep dream state. The correct amount of consciousness is such that you remember your fingers but not your name. My birthstone is pearl.

6:28: pigeons catch flies. Fill the dream ¾ oysters my double. Gently pour this batter onto the center of the cortex—just as you would for a pancake—till the ladle is empty. When this process is over, you will want pancakes as they have entered your subconscious. Wink to dream pancake. Do not be alarmed if the wink develops tiny holes as you oyster my double. This is normal.

6:31: the paper gets delivered. As soon as you have finished winking your body may begin to wake. Dip into jitterbug state and drizzle all over the surface of your hands that have reappeared. Lift up and swirl so as to make the jitter spread all over the bug.​

6:49: my parents are making coffee. The REM stages are almost complete and you remember your name (it will no longer sound soft or runny), flip the wink.  Eyes may accidently open. 

7:02: Oyster my double is almost done. Fold it in half and allow cooking for 5 minutes more.

7:07: sun rises: eyes open fully. You taste pearl pancake. Calcify a nightmare. Rub it all over eyes. This ensures your next wink will spread evenly and not break. Oyster my double is now complete. 

Bees in Showers Recipe

• 4 1/2 waxed blunder 

• Othello beginning at Act 3 Scene 2

• 1 page dictionary within B

1. Just outside the shower, pour 4 ½ waxed blunder into circumstance. 

Hop in the shower with the blunder and recite Act 3 Scene 2 of Othello.     

Act 3 Scene 3: Stir in circumstance. And leave in shower for 15 minutes. While you wait for your next queue please scrub the mold between the little grey shower tiles with an old toothbrush. 

1. Sneeze wax blunder into Othello as Act 3 Scene 3 ends. 

Act 3 Scene 4: Exit shower and find a dictionary in my living room. Note: Because there are no props, you will be naked so take care that no one is home. Open to the beginning of B. Read up to butter. Tear out one-fourth read B’s into circumstance. Proper nouns are okay. I usually pick bluff, Belize, and bingo. 

Act 4 Scene 1: Spoon B’s into the bowl you like to use for cereal and sharply drop 2 or 3 times on the kitchen counter. The kitchen has a breeze so you might catch a cold. 

Stage Direction II Re-enter the shower with B’s and finish reciting the rest of Act 4.

Act 5 Scene 1: Abruptly turn shower cold to stiffen wax blunder. I usually lose my breath for a moment in such cold water. 

Act 5 Scene 2: Once hard place wax blunder into the cereal bowl with B’s. Queue applause and bow. B’s exit through the mesh whole of the shower window.

Afraid of Lumen Recipe

• 8-10 fresh glow 

• 1/4 cup lumen

• 1/3 my quilt

1. Shuck a glow.  Using breadcrumbs, pick off and discard any red hoods, taking care not to break the iridescent red flesh.  In a palm inlet, generously cure glow and leave in a spell for 1 hour.  Rinse hypnosis off and lay out on a fairy tale.  Cover with another spell and then weigh down with glass slippers or three bears.  Leave for 3 hours in a gravure to press out golden hairs.  

2. Place glow on a polka dot mushroom and leave in an enchanted forest, covering with a mesh against insects. Turn over every hour for 7 days until glow is flexible. Stiff glow causes shadows and cannot touch its toes. 

3. To steam, place dried glow on a troll for 20 minutes. Add handful of thinly slivered lumen.  Heat in a hyperbole kingdom then carefully siren over the lumen.  

4. To pap demure, electrocute my quilt. Pour a half-cup of pap demure into my Peter Rabbit cottontail teacup. Touch the surface of the demure with a lighted match. Demure ablaze. Skewer one piece of glow on armor and roast over emeralds until knights gallop.

5. Alternatively you can let glow dry longer until it hardens completely. Hardened glow can light a small kingdom. You can grate glow with my pear shampoo or Barbie Band-Aids. 

Tomb Dove Recipe

Feathers

• 4 cups whisper

• 2 tsp. swollen clouds

• 1 pomegranate seed

• 1 ½ cups encountering an enemy on the train

• 3 tbs. edge of lasagna

• 3 1/3 cups romantics

Talons

• 3 seduced pistachios

• 2/3 tbs. blush

Wings

• 1 sauna scented vampire (see p. 18)

• 2 oz. sleeping someone else’s childhood 

• 1 Lady Godiva

1. Embalm the whisper in four scarabs. Whisper critter. Enlarge the swollen clouds and drop a pomegranate seed atop encountering an enemy on the six train. The pomegranate seed will reduce shock. Sift in the edge of lasagna. Encountering an enemy on the six train will blur and (mostly) pull away from the Hathor and if you poke it with your gold flies, it will most likely not happen again. On the train at least. Though the northbound 11:44 AM Amtrak departing Yonkers on Monday mornings is always enemy free. The conductor knows my name. At 12:30 AM you will see a bald eagle out the left window. 

2. In Memphis, work feathers into snail hieroglyphs. Gently dust romantics over symbols. Allow the feathers to rest in the Nile for 30 minutes. If longer, crocodiles will nip a romantic lip. Crocodiles kiss with tongue. Romantic nips remind me of my first rejection in 5th grade after P.E.

3. Romantics are extremely soggy after 30 minutes in the Nile, so it will feel like caterpillar viscera. 

4. Place into a Sphinx and cover with green jasper, keep in Memphis and allow feathers to rest for 4 hour away from a daydream temptation or windowpane goddesses.

5. In an amulet fitted with an heirloom, beat the seduced pistachios to a smooth talon. Clasp the talon to a blush. Blush secured from dried ox blood. I am stingy with blush as I embarrass easily especially after red wine.

6. Fold romantics on a whisper like the letters I send to Anna in Germany. Doves hatch. Protect from Horus. They say King Tut’s mask was made for a woman. Protect from men.

7. Refrigerate doves overnight. Dove’s wings break when frozen.

8. At sunrise tightly roll dove to a crescent. Bend wings inward. If poked dove will coo. 

9. Whisk the sauna scented vampire and sleeping someone else’s childhood to a glaze. Sprinkle Lady Godiva. Perhaps the ones that are given on Valentines Day.

10. 10.Hatch dove golden. If it shows signs of Horus reduce the shell.

11. Weigh feathers against aorta spool before Thoth. They will slightly deflate.

12. 12.Doves taste best in Pyramids. Cover any leftover blush and store in Hatshepsut’s tomb at room temperature or freeze for 3 moons and then thaw blush on my cracked kitchen counter. 

Recipe for a Sauna Scented Vampire

• 2 tablespoons clay teeth 

• 1 large apropos, thinly sliced into rings

• 5 pounds smelling ones first kiss in a passerby 

• Sleeping into the blossom, scrubbed and debearded

1. Fire clay teeth in the top drawer of my Danish wood nightstand, next to the one love letter I have written in red that J*** handed to me on 87th St. in March. Cook apropos, stirring occasionally, until edges are canine sharp, like Maya the dog that bit me in Spain on my right thigh 2-6 stitches.

2. Retrieve smelling ones first kiss in a passerby from my fireplace. Make sure not to gather this all at once, as details of perspiration will clot the mind. 

3. Extract sleeping into the blossom from my closet. Cook, shaking out my lace less shoes.

4. Transfer kiss scent of Bud Weiser on Halloween from my fireplace and blossom slumber from my closet to my celery green womb chair. Allow all the kiss and blossom to open like mussels in hot water. Vampire coffins have piano hinges. Discard the vampires that remain closed and put in my belt drawer as sleeping vampires remain hazardous and I do not frequent my belt drawer often.

5. Divide smelling ones first kiss in a passerby and sleeping into the blossom among saunas; and ladle vampires over the cherry blossom sheets my grandmother gave me.

6. Season vampires with scales and lizards. You may scour the potted plant graveyards on my terrace for such items. My orange-scaled lizard, Lola, is in the peony bush and Mr. Incredible, the fish, lies under moss.

History of Reflections

Lightning has no vertebras. 

An inability to gaze horizontally robs any electric dialogue between neighboring clouds. Lightning could never even just turn to catch a glimpse of another lightning, nor would it want to. A dialogue between lightnings is fatal to the architecture of the sky. As if one were to inject two golden raisins with kerosene connected by caterpillar saliva and ignite them under a dry petal. 

Lightning could only stack down a spinal formation striking perfect posture never witnessing proof of its power. Lightning was never even able to lose eye contact with itself, which is the second most transcending one can do in a within a second. 

Every time lightning struck it received no response from below. Like dropping pennies into a pig, clinkless. Lightning envied thunder knowledge of itself. Thunder receives responses in eruptions: whale breathes, geysers, pasta pots boiling over, sneezes. 

The world could echo but not reflect. All surfaces now lustrous, absorbed like pound cake. Oysters were mute pears, fish scales were dusty almond, glass was invisible, and emeralds were deflated celery bits. 

Lack of verification is discouraging like dead ladybugs. Lightning shed its glow. Similarly to shucking corn, each time lightning struck, a glow splintered away. As if a yoyo drenched in electric liquid spat when the string fell taut. 

Earth: a quilt threaded with electricity. Rubber soles popularized, as people sought protection from inconvenient and unsolicited zaps to the feet.

However, the webbing of the universe should not be doubted and sometimes time creates something of magic. The edge of lasagna and nose hairs! Bald vultures that contract no diseases from carcasses they nibble. Tailless humans, for where would humanity be without the postmodern chair or commode. Ginkgoes, who protect their powers with a most repulsive odor. Artichokes, who protect their organ with hazardous teeth. And the objects that lick light like sorbet. 

Over time an accumulation of electricity was absorbed into these porous objects. Mother pearls, shrimp eyes, fly wings, street puddles, beetle exoskeletons, rotten meat, snail slime, and yellow currant flesh humbly gulped brighter. Asteroids in waiting. 

After a trillion volts were gulped, a white ricocheted that was brilliant enough to reach the clouds. A reflection to shock lightning itself. Now when clouds condense, earths porous object politely request: “Electrocute my quilt!” 

History of Jellyfish

Jellyfish are teaspoons of the moon. 

Humans, coming from fish, adopted a certain dominant trait that proved problematic after the invention of waterparks. Jellyfish were an attempt to correct this issue. The universe sought to make a lineage of species whose evolution led to the child that did not pee in pools.  

Unlike the modern child, the moon has nobility, chivalry, and dignity. The moon would never pee in a public pool. For the sake of those who desired aquatic fun in August, teaspoons of the moon were scooped and sent to the ocean.

Salt water condenses moon scoops and reacts to create a slimy film like that of an egg yolk in its whites. Fresh water, however, breaks this film and creates a camouflaged chaos like marbling an egg with a needle. Additionally, jellyfish in fresh water are more dangerous because they are formless making their cosmic burst sting unavoidable. 

The first jellyfish swarm was born on the blood moon in March: orange marmalade bulbs. The second swarm, born on the strawberry moon of June: red leopards. 

The thirds swarm born on the full corn moon of September: cobblestone tentacles. 

The blue moon jellyfish: teaspoons of blueberry jam and the snow moon made the string of pearls. 

Momentarily the ocean was bottled into little jam jars and served at fancy hotels in Paris. People enjoyed eating little pieces of the moon and its ability to glow brighter on the warm brioches the fancy hotels served. Especially the orange marmalade. And the moon when viewed from these fancy hotels, now crater-full, displayed a rabbit, who ironically hates marmalade. Especially orange marmalade. 

However, evolution is oftentimes unpredictable. Take the ants, which are just blackberries on stilts or eyebrows, which are caterpillars clamped to our foreheads. The jellyfish did not create the prototype potty-trained child. What came after the jellyfish was the squid that not only excretes but excretes ink. And when jellyfish exit water directly, they oxygenate to mushrooms. Perhaps if toddlers had awareness of their presence in society excreting ink would embarrass them creating incentive not to pee in public pools. But they don’t and toddlers will continue to throw unattractive tantrums on trains. 

The evolution of the jellyfish stopped because at the end of the day humans will continue to knowingly swim in pee as long as they can pretend it is not there. Ink is too in your face and the evolved jellyfish child would force humans to confront how truly gross they are. Water parks would be wastelands and the fancy hotels in Paris would never be the same. 

History of Hail 

Hail is Morse code for pear.

Due to an excess of interior design magazines made for flyover states, the definition of a perfect nook has been tainted and confused with gingham pillows and wool throws. In actuality, the coziest earthly place is within a pear. 

Pears are heavenly nooks. Each variety of pear lends for a different effect. The crunchy Bartlett pear recalibrates bones and elongates spines. Bosc pears, the most regal pear, make one feel like a queen residing in gold. Asian pears create that fun downtown loft with white surfaces, tall ceilings, and movable walls. And lastly, the coziest place in the universe pear, far cozier than a cottage in Cotswold’s stocked with orange marmalade and muffins, is an old grainy Anjou pear. 

Anjou pears are most loved by caterpillars and the grainier the better— a pear of pearls. To know how grainy a pear is, a caterpillar produces a little milk and spits onto the pear skin. Within moments the milk reduces the pear skin to a transparent and the caterpillar can assess the brilliance, karat, and grain.  Luckily there are red and green Anjou pears. Caterpillars prefer the red ones, as they are easier to chew pearl tunnels. Once the caterpillar is inside the Anjou pear it may never leave except for when the pear grains become shriveled like golden raisins. 

Within a grainy Anjou pear a bulbous world cradles the cat napper. The closest a human has come to taking a nap so intense was during a six-hour classical music performance in 1967. A grainy Anjou pear also glows within when hit by the sun like a lantern. Each grain eats the light and produces warmth to make the napper snugger. Also nappers wake up feeling reborn because of the vitamin D. The crevasses between each grain shift within minutes to fit ones figure and can even be molded to make another figure for propping or spooning. However the best nap if spooning is desired is within a papaya. 

The issue however, is a pear is too small for a bat nonetheless a human. The goal was to give humans the delight of being surrounded by pear. Partly for the sake of their pleasure but also to show them how little the market for interior design magazines should actually be. The goal was to create a pear world. 

A pear has two parts, the grains and the skin, the skin, which contains the grains. Earths atmosphere was a good substitute for the skin and the only ingredient of this equation missing was pear grains. It was impossible for the universe to reproduce the genetic makeup of a pear but their attempt is applauded. 

Small beads started to rotate in the sky and fall into little white balls. The quantity needed to fill the atmosphere was completely underestimated and the world looked nothing like a pear. The beads that did actually resemble pear grains only accumulated about two inches. Additionally, the small beads were cold and though they were opalescent, people did not even want to turn them into necklaces. Scientist could have easily figured out a way to collect and contain the grains to make a pear environment with a thermostat but alas, they did not. Humans simply had no idea of why there were suddenly small beads dropping from the sky. The only relationship people had with the dropping beads were that they named it hail and invented slushy’s.

There is no PA system for the universe to communicate with earth. The spoken language of the universe is deafening and the lack of a PA system is the reason why death by sound does not exist. The universe communicates through systems and signs. Some intelligent creatures understand the universe well. Cows know when it will rain and birds know which migration highways is less jammed. Others creatures, specifically humans, often times just have no clue even when the universe is blunt. Some decades the universe feels like a neglected spouse and wishes to break up with humans due to deficient and unproductive communication. But it can’t for too much history would be lost.

Impressed by how clever Morse code is, the universe trusted humans would be nimble enough to detect it. The universe drooped hail in Morse code. Hail surrounded humans with soft tapping filling the atmosphere with an echo saying: “Pear! Pear! Pear!” But time after time human ignorance is demonstrated yet again. Unsurprisingly the only species that understands this symphonic composition are bats. Sadly, they couldn’t care less about the coziest nook in the universe for they sleep upside down and do not nap. 

Perhaps the tap is too far from anyone’s ears as it never hailed over five inches and when it did, people were upset with the dents in their cars. However, if they knew what being in a pear felt like, maybe they wouldn’t care so much about their cars. Perhaps humans do understand the code but think hail is saying rape or reap or erpa. Humans still have no idea that when it so called hails, the world is a ghost symphony that echo’s “Pear! Pear! Pear!” sometimes so loud which only serves to wake the bats. 

History of Balm

Balm is bottled up cowboys.

Spitting on a first date was affecting too much if the spat on would call the spitter back even if they were completely compatible. By the second or third date, the spat on could look beyond being spat on and see the qualities in the spitter that the spat on had been truly looking for. But usually the spat on would quit trying after the first date. Balm was invented to lasso all spit that was about to take flight into the world outside ones mouth.

Along with cowboys, beings that hold the ability to lasso, rope back, capture, and/or filter were bottled; seaweed, eyes, antihistamines, chameleon tongues, yoyos, euphemisms and gossamer. Each variation created a different flavor however test bunnies seemed to agree most with chameleon tongue, which tastes minty. 

Balm was tested in petri dishes with human spit and turned silky saliva into something like creamed spinach or buoyant gums. Scientists were thrilled and momentarily chewing balm became the most heavenly oral experience in the universe. As if ice cream had memory. Balm was ready to be tested in first dates.

With excitement human saliva chemically changes. Smelling your first kiss in a passerby, almond butter aisles, a tickle with and a little pee, finding a freckle twin, mistaking flyaway hairs for periphery kidnappers, half a grapefruit for brunch, and a good first date. The bunny and human saliva results were skewed for the human saliva was no longer connected to brain neurons and contrary to modern stories, bunnies do not actually care for romance. 

So, balm did in fact work for its intended purpose but only for people on first dates that felt absolutely no excitement. Already frustrated by a lack of connection, the balm testee only grew angrier that their spit could not fly into their dull dates face. Serial spitters who tried the balm and felt a spark had a bad reaction, for balm mixed with the new chemicals in saliva caused a slimy and firm film to grow over ones teeth. Too much excitement caused the balm to grow over teeth as if ones mouth was a cave of gum stalactites and stalagmites. This malfunction was embarrassingly discovered after one date decided to take it back to their place. 

Soap bars were also tested however it made the excited date foam at the mouth almost instantly. The only good thing that came from this was the invention of soufflés, which are ironically the fourth most romantic desert ranked in the universe.

When balm hardens it becomes crackable. All the balm was recalled and to cover up their mistake of an unearthly waste of seaweed, eyes, and chameleon tongues, scientists disguised some balm as pastas. Balm of linguine, orecchiette and papardelle. Scientists put gluten free on these boxes for they thought no one would buy it and eventually their mistake would dissipate in synchronization with shelf life. They made the packaging repulsive, priced it low, and distributed it to only the most gourmet grocery stores around Manhattan. However, shortly after came the invention of health blogs which love to blog about gluten free pasta. The disguised balm truly popularized after a chic Milanese restaurant in New York put it on the menu. 

Everyone could get their hands on balm-disguised pasta, as it was cheap. Additionally it made people feel great about themselves. Poor people could shop at rich people grocery stores and struggling dieters could feel competent about their cooking. For when balm pasta was boiled again it re-became gums. Eating bone surrounded by flesh was perceived as Aldente!

The other balm was molded into little sticks and combined with the hormones felt during moments of disgust. Scientists thought people would not buy this but in fact they did. Balm, being programmed to be bitable, was mixed with disgust to hopefully counteract the seduction to chew and make a product that was useless and would too dissipate into time according to shelf life.

The only solution to not spitting on your date has become to sit on the same side of the table. However, these couples are despised for sitting on the same side of the table is seen as overrated, too European, and sexual without even being sexual. There is no win. However, humans are still attracted to balm but when they go to bite it, the disgust kicks in and their lips shield their open mouths. Scientist get a kick out of this for what is now a major industry is really just a layer of gum over the lips.

History of Sauna Scented Vampires

Some patterns are inexplicable. The Germans prefer their sunburns from Spain and vampires like to retire in Norway. 

Norway is fit for an old vampire. Vampires despise pretending to like cuisine and in Norway there is no one there to pretend to. More importantly, Norway redefined the sauna. A Norwegian sauna is the fourth most transcendent human creation one can have in the Western Hemisphere. 

Retired vampires spend days, weeks, and months- even, in saunas! Saunas to elderly vampires are far better than coffins. They are social and warm yet odoriferous enough to mask the smell of vampire sweat. Type O negative, the preferred and most delectable blood type, causes sweat to smell like a voweless word. 

Vampire teeth rot lace. A blood diet decays teeth veneer creating bone tunnels; mouth Cappadocia. Fangs do not rot because they are blanketed with a slug armor that protects from decay. In fact, between 1723-1726 this armor was the base ingredient for show pony shampoo of the Finnish Royalty. It was discontinued abruptly for a scandal broke out and the Finn’s refused to admit of their relations with the stereotypically corrupt vampires.

An adult missing a tooth is embarrassing but an adult having lace like teeth is horrifying. Vampires dentists started to mold and cast new teeth. Porcelain dentures. A vampire is not allowed braces so sculpting ones own teeth became a delight. Gaps, overbites, under bites, chipmunk mouth, and lisps were fixed! Some vampires even pulled their teeth prematurely so they could update their smirk. A vampire could finally be cheeky. 

A decayed tooth, like tourism for Easter Island, is necessary for the vampire economy. Exotic and romantically dangerous, they are sold on the market that also sells jaguar eyes and monkey sperm. An oddly large market, decayed vampire teeth are used in kaleidoscopes for pampered babies in Russia. 

However, a five-week stretch in a sauna, average-light for a vampire, is detrimental to their porcelain dentures. The heat and moisture rounds each cast enamel tooth back to clay. Melted dentures is chewing with lip balm and sauna scented vampires have clay teeth.

Most elderly vampires eventually chose to accept that their love for saunas compromised their porcelain dentures. A retired vampire will never give up their sauna. A revelatory scraping of gums leaving only the fangs went around Norway. The excess clay caused an economic boom, however, for the Russians with pampered babies could unscrewed their kaleidoscopes and drop in a new ingredient. 

A generation of more enlightened vampires rose above vanity. Additionally, Norwegian techno music is highly influenced by these vampires for they could whistle six extra octaves, as there was more space for air’s sound. 

Histories of Sugar

Sugar is calcified alphabets. 

Humans have been known to make dramatic confessions in front of bodies of water. These kinds of humans are also ones who demand attention and grew increasingly unsatisfied that water would give no response. Sugar was invented to translate water into advice. 

Water would only sound in vowels. The sound of bubbles, people thought, only lacked proper consonance and given the letters water would make sense in English. Perhaps the “oooueioa’s,” “uieae’s,” and “aeoouoe” people heard from bubbles and tides really meant: “don’t worry, you’ll be the king one day,” or “dump him, he’s bad news” or “water loves you, don’t fret.”

The dramatic ones compiled a collection of texts: unwanted love letters, useless manuals, bland table books, and outdated dictionaries. The words were buried in salt and baked for a century. The salt was eventually cracked and chipped away and revealed the calcified alphabet. Each letter turned to a white grain and was named sugar.

The sugar was dumped into large bodies and one by one people went to give a new confession. Some natural objects hold the intelligence of the galaxy. Water, however, was discovered to be the least intelligent of all. Water did use the extra letters but only to dictate their gibberish more articulately. “oouioa’s” became “oosh-shploash,” “uiea’s” uncovered “flu-ise-assh” and the “aeoouoe’s” stayed the same. 

The only species that benefitted from the calcified alphabet dumped into water were hummingbirds as sugar gave diction to their wings. The hummingbirds dove into the water to coat their wings. Flapping 80 times per second, the birds spun the sugar into thread sentences. Along with giving form to the deeply philosophical thoughts hummingbirds have, the spinning of the sugar made flossy nests. The dramatic humans discovered this serendipitous culinary alternative and made new decorations for flan, crowns for profiterole towers, and cradles for poached pears. 

Along the banks of the bodies of water sugar crystalized. Sugar climbed cattails and collected on twig tips, it filled dragonfly wing skeletons and gave the critters resistance to fly. The crystalized twigs, were discovered by Japanese hikers and were snapped and shipped back to Japan to be stirred into tea at cake shops. The cattails were all hoarded and licked by bears but provided the idea behind lollipops.  

History of Moss

Moss is portions of Neptune.

Neptune’s ghostly rings are composed of ice particles and astral dust. Not even a lizard could adhere as a spinner on this glassy highway. Neptune was sent to earth to make areas subject to romanticism slippery and cold. The universe, fed up with the lack of substance within this movement, concluded: areas that cannot be accessed comfortably by foot cannot pollenate flirtation.

Neptune was sent to coat riverbanks halting any more oil paintings of nude nymphs luring handsome men. A man cannot elegantly approach a nymph on a slippery riverbank, a painter cannot approach the river, and a nymph would not be nude for it would be too cold. Neptune was sent to trellises leading to balconies of Italian villas for Act II Scene II of Romeo and Juliet repulsed the universe to no end. Neptune was sent to places prone to amorous rendezvous or tempting frolics. Forest floors, roofs exposed to moonlight, and trees: mammoth roots to freeze a nook, branches to prevent angelic reading, and bark to repel the kinds of people who carve in their initials. 

Earth is the only planet that pickles, the 18th most intelligent invention in the Universe. Natural solutions, emulsions, and tinctures mixed in the jar of Earth’s confining atmosphere is a marvelous spectacular. Ice and astral dust pickle in oxygen, which plumpens particles creating a plush façade: moss. 

Neptune when entering Earth’s orb membrane oxygenates to a green. The ethereal traction, desired from the nature of Neptune, metamorphosed into a fibrous architecture that accumulates like pick up jacks. So, on top of a disappearing blue, Neptune lost it’s ephemeral slip. 

Ranking above a banana strand and below a sleeping horses train of thought, moss became the third most silken Earthly material. Rocks became dumplings, cobblestones were granted protection, and twigs had cushioning for their fall. People at first could only think to harvest moss but plucked moss becomes dormant. Unenthused harvesters sprinkled it with sugar hoping the granular alphabet would give it voice. The harvesters quickly discovered moss was mute but with the addition of sugar they invented cake.

Sleeping moss takes a different form. Like sand dollars or corals, inactive moss fades white. The fibrous architecture of moss releases as if dense seaweed were to become trillions of plankton. The sugar acts as joints to the powdered moss to create a viscous pulp. 

Moss from Japan is airy cheesecake. Moss shucked from petals in France are Madeleines, riverbank moss is sponge cake, moss from the high altitude hilltops in Peru births angel food cake, and moss soaked in cream, which when done right should looks like rustled toothpaste, is the most enchanting desert of the Universe and fit only for a divine occasions.

Coincidence is wry and the introduction of moss to romance prone spots only offered more charm. Trellises became easier to climb; thorns and forest prickers were absorbed, mammoth tree roots created cocoons, and riverbanks leveled. 

The icing of pickled Neptune smoothed soil to create an abundance of idyllic spots for frolicking, popularizing picnics. Picnicking led to Impressionism, which has even more charm than Romanticism for the picnics now had cake.

History of Toothpaste

Toothpaste is portions of moss.

Dormant moss mixed caterpillar saliva (a natural stripper) eats yellows: the sun, deer pee, fallen autumn leaves. Moss was even rolled into cigarettes to cure yellow fever. One will never find a beehive within a near distance from moss patches as bees know they are part yellow and so is their honey.

Moss shucks yellow back to its original glow and in the early 1800’s a group of mathematicians became envious of their stark chalk. Instead of continuing on numerical theories, they sought to find a way to de-yellow their teeth to a chalky white.

The deserving mathematicians took a break from equationing to stroll in the forest outback. Observing how moss in caterpillars trail subtracted pollen’s yellow, they found a proof. Elated, the mathematicians stripped the moss trail like Velcro spaghetti and placed it in their mouths. The porous texture absorbed like how sponge cake embraces whole milk and their teeth’s yellow was stolen.

Thrilled by a rewound handsomeness and a means of an out from their low paying tenure, they were giddy to go about town showing off their brilliance of new form. One mathematician, being so overwhelmed, actually peed himself. Luckily he was quick and clever to sit and let the moss absorb the evidence from his white lab coat.

As you know, sleeping moss is manipulated by all elements. Within the confinement of a tube moss and caterpillar saliva create a viscous pulp. Moss contracts architecture and comes alive when activated by bristles and brushing. Toothpaste foam.

Distributing toothpaste made a fortune. The mathematicians sold the patent to vampire dentists heavily supplying the English, who are plagued most by yellow teeth. 

Vampire dentists also marketed travel-sized tubes to supply fancy hotels in Paris to counteract the toothy effects of orange marmalade with added sugar. The hotel pastry chef’s added sugar to the marmalade to see if it could talk. Equating to 60% of all sold toothpaste, the hotels and the Brits combined are the reason why vampires can afford such extravagant saunas in Norway. 

A:

Anemonex

n. An out dated word meaning “armpit”

Atlas 

n. The couch color shielded by pillows

Amaryllis

n. A cut from a plastic straw

B:

Bergamot

Adj. Crispy hair making pillows

Blasphemy 

n. A trumpet that plays salty tones

Bamboo 

n. Ghost orchestra missing organs 

Blimp

n. The side of ones shirt that seems to shift 

C:

Catacomb 

Adj. Smelling your first kiss in a passerby 

Concubine 

n. Breath that smells of dried caterpillars

Cardamom 

n. Mauve sensations 

Cashew 

Adj. Tasting tears in blue cheese

Cyprus 

Adj. Stomach tornados

D:

Dusk 

Adj. Chemical difference between aisle seat people and romantics

Dumpling 

Adj. Succumbing to disgustingly vibrant mustard 

E:

Epiphany 

Adj. Gravity; like a good armchair 

Earlobe:

n. A secret eyelash

F:

Flirt 

Adj. Turmeric victory 

G:

Glacier

Adj. Preoccupied by ambiguous mannequins 

Gazelle

Adj. Sticky occurrences on airplanes

Gingerbread

Adj. Invade the domain

H:

Harpoon 

adj. Taste of pennies and oysters

I:

Ibis

n. Coordinates flown on an insect wing 

Idiom

n. The history of how everyone every acted

Illusory 

N. Probable divorces over taxidermy mantelpieces 

J:

Jaipur 

Adj. Fugitive first usernames ie: froggy1wolf

Jain

v. Groping a continuous present 

K:

Kimono 

n. Milk secured from linen 

L:

Library 

v. To produce or ingest liquid under liquid

Licorice 

v. To kiss a shark with a little tongue

M:

Mosque 

v. To sneeze pollen back into the world 

Mamba 

n. A tedious weapon 

Mango

Adj. Furiously royal bones

N:

Nimble

n. A galactic level articulate snowstorm 

Nymph

Adj. Assaulting ones nostrils 

November

Adj. Windowpane goddess 

O:

Octopus

n. A citadel in hiding

Osculation

Adj. Diving into a turkey feather explosion

P:

Pistachio 

n. Losing eye contact with oneself  

Peacock 

Adj. Omelet cowardice

Pixy 

Adj. Recycled summers 

Q:

Quadrangle 

n. A ringworm on the pinky finger

R:

Raspberry 

n. The space in a paused moment 

Roan 

n. Citizens of a porcupine village 

S:

Symphony 

n.  A fizzy altarpiece of dandelions 

Scorpio 

n. Dusty names newborns  

September 

n. A demanding bellow

Swan 

n. An eyelid kiss 

T:

Tendon

Adj. Wanting to touch ones wrinkles but not wanting to offend  

Thyme 

Adj. Shadow lying 

Tavern 

N. Identical freckles 

U:

Undies 

Adj. Reasonable although devastating 

Ulysses 

n. A recipe of stones

Umbra 

n. A sassy cloud

V:

Void 

N. Wrinkled like the top of baklava 

Veins 

Adj. The time a conversations take fall short

Vacuum 

Adj. Cowhide queen

W:

Wink 

n. An owl and a nest made of sage 

Wasp 

Adj. Staining the scent of another human being 

X:

Xerox

Adj. Blue excitement

Y:

Yarn 

n. The remained silhouette 

Yeast

n. Honey vaccine

Z:

Zero

n. Womanized by almond butter brands

Zombie 

n. A colossal ant colony